Why Let Him Come to You After a Breakup.
This is a guest post and does not necessarily reflect the views of Jason Levoy, or this site.
Even if a relationship break up is completely mutual, there is an adjustment period and a period where both parties will revaluate the wisdom of their decision to break apart. Psychologists have described the ‘seven stages of grief’, and there is a psychological theory that is very similar that can relate to the relationship breakups. The first big question to ask yourself is “do I want him back?”
Whether the breakup was mutual, you left him, or he left you, there is usually a phase where you will start to wonder what you did wrong. A phase where you start to look at the aspects of your relationship and analysis what could have worked better, how things could have improved. The trick is to look at this relationship evaluation without falling into the trap of self-depreciation: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/01/romantic-rejection-and-the-self-deprecation-trap/424842/
In every relationship you can learn and you can grow as a person (and as a romantic partner), or you can devolve into a downward spiral where things become harder and harder with each new relationship. Whether this is your first breakup or your fiftieth it is time to take stock of your feelings.
What Do You Want?
In the process of avoiding the self-depreciation spiral, think about exactly what you want in a relationship. What are your top ten ideals in a mate? This is actually harder to do than many people think. It’s not enough to say that you want someone kind, what do you mean by that? Many women say that want someone who looks after them but forget to say that they don’t want someone who rules their life. You might want someone who is physically very attractive, but are you going to be able to trust that he’s not acting on every single flirtation he comes up against?
Your Ex Is Who You Want
So, you’ve thought it through and although you can see where you both could make a few changes to work together better, your ex is really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. The question them becomes, how to you get him back? There are a few things you can do to help get your relationship back on track, but that will depend on how things ended. If you click here you can get some advice on what your chances are.
However, be sure that you want *him* back, not just “someone”. Are you simply lonely, horny, or just struggling to open a jar of jam? Although there are no guarantees in life and any relationship runs the risk of not working out, you shouldn’t have to live under a constant fear that the relationship will end, nor should you settle for a relationship that doesn’t fulfil your needs.
Yet – you don’t need one person to be your everything. You can have a large circle of friends that provide for your other emotional and supportive needs without the full burden of fulfilment falling on your partner. Again, this comes down to working out what it is you want and need from your romantic relationship – and balancing that with what you can get from your other friendships. We all
have friends that can provide support, whether that is just a friendly shoulder to cry on or someone who can offer practical advice on your next career move. Your romantic partner does not need to be the only person you talk with, but they should probably be the one you can trust the most if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
Yes, there is actual scientific research around relationship breakups and why they can hurt so much. A breakup sets of the part of your brain that normally reacts to physical pain – which is why your heart can sometimes quite literally feel like it is breaking. You may become obsessive in your thinking and your feelings towards you ex can be likened to a drug addict craving their addiction. If this is where you are at, go back to the stage of working out what you want. You do not need to be in a relationship where your ex becomes the drug you are addicted to. This is not healthy for either of you, and certainly won’t lead to a long term positive relationship.
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